3/19/09

Driving in Phoenix Arizona versus elsewhere

Things to know if you plan on driving anywhere in the "Valley of the Sun" :
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS. There are other names to learn such as Ahwatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy Pussy'.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix Arizona has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, Scottsdale, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix Arizona. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, illegals, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, pigeons, javelinas (wild Arizona pigs), tarantulas (giant spiders), roadrunners, rattlesnakes, and the coyotes feeding on any of these dead items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the 'I-10' are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY...except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY...which is also The Veterans Memorial HWY. Frank Lloyd Wright is the same as Bell Road execpt in Scottsdale where all the arrogant dead beat wannabee rich shits live. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Road. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder to let them know it has been accidentally activated.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be flipped off accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

2 comments:

  1. Here in CA we have car pool lanes but I heard in AZ you have car pool tunnels....is this true? and does it promote car pool tunnel syndrome?

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  2. Haha, driving tunnels...unfortunately no. We do have the car pool lanes, but during rush hour they really don't do much. I have had my fair share of incidents with the random road hazards and my new Phoenix auto insurance rates can attest to that! Ah well, the price we pay for living in paradise :)

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